Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
