i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize