my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
