I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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