hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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