...so i touched it.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
