I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
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He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
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I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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