just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
