New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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