did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!