dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
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I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
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I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.