Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
