I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
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he fucked my hip out of place.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
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You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.