Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
