I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
