I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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