I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
