Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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