My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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