Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i will never coherently bang her
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
