I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
