don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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