Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
