If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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