You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
