I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
