Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I wish life had little blips of pornography
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
