omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
