I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
