Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
