I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
