Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
