Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
