I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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