I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Can you bring me the toilet please
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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