I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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