from now on my penis is your penis
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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