If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
