ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
