Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
