Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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