I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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