You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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