I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
