But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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