How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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