ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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