I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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