Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
