My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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