Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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