I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
PANTIES FOUND
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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