He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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