you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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