Operation Purity has been aborted
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just googled if crying burns calories
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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