I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
