i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
