I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
