im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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