STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
