when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
