All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
